Day 5- Sunday- Free Day

This is a tough one... to be okay with where you are even if you want to change. It is if you are honest with yourself. I struggle to be okay with me, to not look at myself and say, "Fatty,"..."Lazy"...and a myraid of other names. Why do we do that? I am working hard to love myself, to be an encourager, to treat myself with my inner dialogue as i would a friend. When we constantly think negative things we put so much pressure and weight on ourselves we can't possibly win. It is too much.

I've been trying to plan ahead on how to workout and get in the habit and stay consistent when I wake up and it is raining, when I wake up late, when I am under the weather, when a kid is sick and has to go to the doctor. So many things happen in the life of a mom of five, so I have to learn to work around those obstacles. I have to take the time when I have it, be able to change plans and adjust rather than give up.

I've been trying to plan out what to do when my schedule isn't working so that I reduce the stress and pressure that has caused me to quit. I have a plan in place for when my plan is messed up... the backup plan. I do that to reduce the overwhelming burden. Well, the overwhelming burden of mean internal dialogue is just as important to let go, to stop. I have to learn to be okay with where I am. So, I look fat working out... you can see rolls, cellulite, the sweat dripping from my unconditioned body. It's okay. I am doing it. I am doing what I have to do to reduce all that. If I don't nothing changes. So, when I put on clothes and aren't happy b/c I don't look like the model does in it.... it's okay. I can only dress to look as good as I can and be okay with that. Keep going so eventually I'll have more selection and look better. I can't lose all this overnight and be all slim, it will be a process. I can't go run a mile, but I can walk it! I can keep working until I build endurance and can go faster, start adding intervals, and one day I will be able to run that mile! I am not used to getting up to workout, but I have to keep working at it and Just Do It. Hopefully one day it won't be the struggle it is today.

Be okay with where you are.... I think I am beginning to get it!

Day 4 - Excuses

I am proud of myself. I could NOT go to sleep last night. I watched The Holiday, the I remembered I had taken the sheets off the bed to wash them. I HATE to put sheets on a bed. HATE IT! So, I decided to sleep on the couch rather that put them on at 11PM. So, I then watched The Wedding Date and it ended up being 2:30 AM and I was still awake. ACK! So, I slept until 9 AM this morning. I really wanted to use that as an excuse not to work out. Today was walk day. On top of that it is cold, I looked and it was 36 degrees. If I went to the gym I'd have to do more with my hair and look a little better. I told myself I cannot do this to myself. Maybe people don't understand but excuses have been a daily thing. I can find them anywhere. They are the things I fight a horrible battle to win... or overcome, because I definitely have not been winning.

So, I changed into some workout clothes. Slapped my hair up in a messytail. Walked outside toward the track and was blown away by the cold wind. So I went to the gym. A little embarrassed at how homely I look with no makeup and a messytail. Very self conscious to be the fat girl walking on a treadmill where they are lined up facing the outside with all the bikes, ellipticals, and other machines behind you so that all those people watch you walk. Did I have a horrible panty line? Do you see back rolls with each step? These things go through my head... and have been excuses to not do it. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that it is for a time. If I do it I will not have to worry about panty lines and back rolls, cellulite, being short winded, everyone seeing me sweat. I sweat a LOT. What is up with that?   

I've joined a group on FaceBook of women who eat clean and work out. They are so inspirational. These are women who are winning at this. Some have weighed what I weigh... 201 lbs. Some weighed even more and have lost hundreds of lbs. Not by starving, but by eating a clean diet of healthy foods and working out. I hope this can be some accountability to me, certainly motivation when I don't feel like it and I see them post they did their workout or ate clean through a vacation or party.

Excuses? I'm trying to rise above them. They are only challenges.

Day 2

I've not been very good to eat enough today. I am not sleeping at all. I go to bed between 10 and 11 and will still be awake at 2 AM. Then I fall asleep and feel like crud the next morning. My stomach is upset today, too.

So for today's menu:

breakfast- hard boiled egg

lunch- Chic-Fil-A southwest chargrilled chicken salad with half the package of light Italian dressing. They gave me the wrong dressing and I thought it would not go together but it was actually really good. 2Tbsp, which was half the package, was only 17 calories. Considering I've been eating the full fat Spicy or Ranch this is a big calorie saver.

Supper- I've not eaten yet, don't know if my stomach can handle leftover chili. So, I've got to come up with something fast. Maybe I'll make a smoothie with milk, yogurt, and strawberries.

I know this is not the amount of veggies and food I am supposed to eat. This is what I'm trying to learn though... to work around obstacles instead of giving up.

I had asked friends for books last week to read when my daughter goes to physical therapy. I have to take her 2-3 times a week for an hour each time. Well today I decided I would use that time to walk. The orthopedic office is in a complex with the Wellness Center and they have a pond out front with a track around it. So, I dropped off my daughter and walked the track. I only did 15 minutes today. My legs are sore from working out yesterday and it would be good to really stretch them. This is my first week so I am going to try to walk 15-20 minutes each day to build up endurance and increase it each time.

They added weight to my bar at therapy for my arm yesterday and my biceps are sore, too... Yay! Don't know if I've mentioned I fractured my elbow and am in therapy for another 5 weeks- three times a week. I can't do an upper body workout other than my therapy exercises for this whole time. This is where I am trying to change. Instead of not exercising for another 5 weeks until I can "do it right" I have made a plan to do my lower body and abs with weights and do cardio. I am walking daily for two weeks then plan to start the Couch to 5K which takes 9 weeks to train up to running a 5K. I'm going to do the elliptical in addition to walking on my cardio days. I daily work my arm for therapy and since we are adding weight I may be at a point of doing a full upper body routine in a couple of weeks. Atleast enough to do bicep, tricep, shoulder presses and raises, chest raises, and the basics.

Goodbye

I was looking through songs to add to my phone to play during workouts and came across this song by Mandisa called Goodbye. It is perfect for the start of a change of lifestyle journey that I am taking on.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG6Aa3DIg9Q&feature=relmfu

The lyrics are:
To the voice, to the liar in the mirror
Saying you can't ever change
To the guilt that's sitting on your shoulder
Always keeping you wrapped in chains

To the past that you can't undo
To the pain that you're walking through
To the small and the big mistakes
This is what love wants to say

Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the one that you used to be
Say goodbye, say goodbye
Every day is a brand new mercy

Hello, hello, this is where it starts now
Hello, hello, everything can turn around
In a moment
Here's your moment
You can say goodbye

There is grace that you can't imagine
There is love that you can't outrun
There is peace you can hold onto
When your world is coming undone

You don't have to give into the fear
You don't have to let your story stop here
And when that hand tries to pull you back
You don't have to go back
You don't have to go back

To everything that breaks you down
It doesn't have to define you now
Jesus came to take it all away

Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the one that you used to be
Say goodbye, say goodbye
Every day is a brand new mercy

Hello, hello, this is where it starts now
Hello, hello, everything can turn around
In a moment
Here's your moment
You can say goodbye


Amen! Goodbye! Goodbye to the old Holly. The one that let circumstances keep her from taking care of herself. The girl that gave into pain, busy-ness, short time schedules, and so many other things because she always waited until circumstances were better, until she had it all together and planned out and nothing came up to get in the way. She is gone. She's been replaced by a girl that has a plan to expect interruptions to her plan. A girl that is committed to work around schedules and make herself a priority.

The first line of the song hit me... "the liar in the mirror." When I read Body for Life years ago he said that we condition ourselves to think of ourself as a liar when we constantly commit to working out and eating right and then fall two days later. We begin to not believe in ourselves anymore, because our word becomes nothing but another lie, another promise. Whew, that is solid tough! I wouldn't lie to my husband or a friend. But, how many times have I shortchanged myself... duped myself into believing this would be the time I'd do it, only to fail. I don't want to be that person to myself. I want to treat me as I would a friend. Encourage and pull along. When I fail I want to just pick it back up and go forward, not give up.

"You don't have to let your story stop here. And when that hand tries to pull you back. You don't have to go back" So, my story won't end here. It is a new beginning... one where I will accomplish taking back my health.

Goodbye.

Day 1

Today was it. Finally a start day. I got up and did a lower body workout. Squats, lunges, calf raises, walking up the stairs. I then had physical therapy for my arm and did my exercises there.

For breakfast I made a 2 egg omelet with onions and peppers. I have been tired so I made the mistake of taking a multi vitamin, a B12, bee pollen pill, and a calcium pill. I was bouncing off the walls!

 For lunch I heated some chicken fajita meat. It is John Soulles and I try to keep it on hand since it is one of the rare gluten free convienience foods. They have a beef fajita meat that is also good. I had it with peppers and onions, a dollop of sour cream, and a little cheedar cheese.

For supper I made chili with turkey meat. I was scared to try it. You really couldn't tell it was turkey instead of ground beef with all the seasoning. I am being bad but had a little cheddar cheese on it, too. That is something I need to wean off of, especially this full fat variety.

I've had water all day. I didn't measure it out, though. Need to find my water jug and fill it to keep in the refrigerator. I may go buy a couple more.

My dad called this morning and is in the hospital. They drained 3 liters of fluid off his lung so I hope he feels better. In testing they found two spots on his lung. One is the size of a 50 cent piece and one the size of a quarter. They got him in this afternoon to biopsy them and it will be 2-3 days before he gets the results. I pray it is not cancer, can't imagine seeing my daddy go through that!

Ready, Get Set, GO!

Today I am planning out my work out routine and some menu items. I am sick and tired of feeling like I do... tired, weak, unhealthy.... that I just have to find a way to finally commit and stick with an exercise program and eating right. So, here I am starting a new blog to keep track of my progress. I plan it to be a place to journal the ups and downs of weight loss, getting healthy, and keep track of how my ability increases and the foods I eat.

I've had Body For Life for about 7 years. Yes, 7 years! I know a couple of people who run in marathons that recommended it to me. I love the philosophy behind it, except for all the expensive supplements. I have recently started picking up Oxygen and Eating Clean magazines after seeing Tosca's book on Eating Clean. I am totally on board with eating whole foods, cutting out the sugar and simple carbs... just don't know if I can cut out cheese and some of the meats, but I will start with sugar and those items can come later.

I had major stomach issues for over a year. In that time I had 5 CT scans, 2 ultrasounds, 2 colonoscopys, endoscopic ultrasound, blood drawn and tested every few months, and multiple other tests. My first CT scan showed a large mass on my pancreas. For a month we thought I had pancreatic cancer, but it was just a cyst. I was having really bad stomach aches that got worse after eating. I also had severe diarrhea about 6 or more times a day. It was so bad I could not leave the house hardly at all. The gastro doctor could not find the cause. I found I could not eat beef at all. I couldn't eat anything fatty or really spicy. What helped, but did not stop my problems, was eating chicken, rice, potatoes, and very bland vegetables- meaning no sauce or not cooked in bacon grease. I would have really sharp pain in my upper stomach often to where I pretty much had to pace or sit and just manage the pain.

I finally asked the doctor to do a gall bladder test on me. I had the test done at 5 PM and was sent home at 7 PM. About an hour after getting home my stomach was hurting so bad I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. Of coarse it was a weekend and my husband was out of town. I have an extremely high tolerance for pain and it was BAD. I took a Lortab and just tried to wait for it to get worse before going to the ER. It continued until about 2 AM and then I fell asleep so never had to go. On Saturday I called my gastro doctor and let them know I had severe pain after the test. On Monday they called to say that the test came back normal, my ejection fraction was in the 90's, but that because of the severe pain I had they were sending me to a surgeon for a consult. My husband googled the ejection fraction being in the 90's and called to tell me that it wasn't normal, that it was considered over functioning and just as bad as an under functioning gall bladder. So, what was happening was when I ate any fat the rate at which the bile left my gall bladder was like water coming out of a fire hose... very fast and with a lot of pressure. It was at such a rate that it was what had caused my diarrhea and pain and cramping I had had for over a year. The gastro doctor had told me a gall bladder wouldn't cause diarrhea so had continued to do more tests all that time. The surgeon took one look at the results and said that with a person with low functioning gall bladder he gave a 74% chance of removal making all problems go away, but with my high functioning he gave me a 92% chance of taking care of it. I had it out and was instantly able to eat, no more sharp pain, diarrhea went away, and I felt so much better.

I did continue to have what felt like menstrual cramps in my lower abdomen. I have ovarian cysts so knew that it would cause some of it. I had had the pain for years. It wasn't severe, more annoying. As I started eating more foods after gall bladder removal that lower pain seemed to increase at times. I got to noticing that during the year I had eaten a naturally gluten free diet and my cramping was worse after eating breads and pastas and gluten filled items. So, I decided to go two weeks naturally gluten free to see if it helped. I had been seeing an ENT for an ear ache for four months for an ear ache. He snaked a scope in my nose twice and said my Eustachian tube was blocked because I had so much swelling, which he thought was an allergic reaction. I had been taking two allergy medicines a day for four months with no relief from the swelling. It was the end of the year and I was to go back to put tubes in my ear to help the pain the beginning of the next year. Well, I started the gluten free diet the beginning of the year and by the second day my ear quit hurting! At the end of the two weeks I ate something with gluten and immediately felt congestion and felt my tongue swell and then stomach cramping. I have had about four times where I tried it to check and immediately feel swelling like an allergy, then my stomach will start cramping. So, since then I've been gluten free. It has been 11 1/2 months now.

The other medical issue I have is Sarcoidosis. It has caused all the lymph nodes in my chest to enlarge. I was diagnosed when I had a cough that wouldn't go away. I had it six weeks with no upper respiratory problems, no drainage, it didn't produce anything so I finally went and had a chest x-ray. It has also caused the pleura in my lung to thicken in one area. I did steroids and got it under control and now use an inhaler twice a day. It mimics asthma so it flares up in cold damp air, or when I exercise.

I've never had any medical issues until the last two years so it is kind of embarrassing to come up with so many issues. Thank God none are severe and I can manage them and have no excuse to keep me from exercising and getting healthier. They are only things to keep under control.

So... what I have realized is how much my life has passed me by as I observe instead of participate in it. We have a boat and I can't get up on the knee board or skis. I avoid cameras so all our photos are of everyone but me. I am too young to be on the sidelines, I want to be in on the action. I didn't go to my high school reunion last year because I wasn't letting anyone see me fat. Sad. I have no reason not to love myself and take care of myself. I am worth it. So... here I go!