Tuesday, April 3, 2012


I exercised every single day in January. Every. single. day. I was eating clean and doing so good. Then, I let excuses happen. Within two weeks I had major stuff happen in my life and I just couldn't do it. I first had a bleeding stomach. It was painful stomach pains and then I started having blood in my stool. I had this before, except it was bleeding in my large intestine, so I knew it was very important to get it seen about. Last time I went to ER and they did a CT scan and gave me IV antibiotics and then sent me home with an oral antibiotic. So, I went to the ER again as it was a Saturday. This time they made me stay three days and I had a scope and biopsy. I left and had pain for about a week after discharge so didn't push myself to workout. Fail #1. I should have at least walked and really could have pushed to do weights. I was not good with eating clean either, which was just a matter of I gave up and didn't push myself to eat right. I fell back on old comfort foods.

The next week my 19 year old decided to move out. He is in college so it is going to make it difficult for him to support living expenses and pay for college. At home we pay car insurance and everything and he is only required to pay college tuition. It really broke my heart. I am trying to understand that he isn't mad, he is just a boy and so many men say boys of that age want to be independent. I still don't get it and it still hurts when your baby leaves. I worry he will not complete school as it will be too much for him to pay for. I am trying to leave him in God's hands and allow God to lead him on the right path.

Then, my dad was diagnosed and started chemo in January. He goes every 3 weeks for his treatment. I couldn't go in Jan because we were fighting colds around here and I didn't want to take any germs over there. My dad is 6'4" and has always been a strong man. He just turned 76, but he is a young 76. All his family lives to be active in their 90's. He has just always been the strong one that you depend on and go to. He lives 4 hours away so I was on my way to see him and my step-mother called to say he had to go to the ER the night before so he was in the hospital. His white blood count was extremely low and he developed an infection so he was running a fever. To visit we had to wear a gown, mask, and gloves and were to really stay away from him as much as we could. To see him so weak was really hard. He has lost down to 169 lbs fully clothed. He couldn't stand alone. He couldn't eat because of being sick.

While I was there in Atlanta visiting him we got a call. My brother suddenly passed away. He was 10 days away from his 50th birthday and had no health problems. He was visiting his son and had a massive stroke. That just tore me up and I left dad's to go home to prepare for the funeral. I cried the whole way - four hours. My dad couldn't go to the funeral as he was so sick with his white blood count so low and that broke my heart that he couldn't go. 

I know all this is just excuses. That is what I fight.... making excuses. I could have continued to exercise. Yes, my body might have been in pain from the stomach bleeding. Yes, it would have been more difficult to be in someone else's home and have to adjust to not having a gym. I have hand weights and a resistance band and could have walked.

I also could have prepared meals to eat and continued eating clean. I just didn't. The spark within me to fight for me was pushed deep down and I let the easy route take over. What's bad is after all this passed I went all of March without getting back on board.

Well, I started again yesterday. I've cleaned out all the junk and have foods I need to eat clean. Just have to get back up and fight for it!

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